Take me out of the running for White House press secretary

In what is truly an absurd version of multitasking, I've been trying to time my post-lunch nap with the daily press briefing of Obama press secretary Robert Gibbs. I want to take in news while I fall asleep.

But it doesn't work. So desperately am I rooting for Obama's candidacy to get off to a fast, clean start and not get bogged down in The Usual Bullshit® that my heart hammers against my chest cavity as I listen to Gibbs bullshit his way through these briefings (as all press secretaries always have, and as they always will).

I cannot imagine having a job whose core skill involved pretending, on someone else's behalf no less, that I am an altogether reasonable, rational human being, good humored at all times, perfectly well-informed and always on the ball.

A job in which I can't have days like I had yesterday, when my motto was, "I hate everybody and everybody hates me. That's the way it is, and that's the way I like it to be." When I screamed at the top of my lungs in response to a voice mail I received, "Yeah, if you want to catch up with me, read my fuckin' blog." When I responded to a pesky, nagging, e-mailing speechwriter, "As a communication expert, do you believe it increases the power of your message to bold, italicize and underline the word 'Please'? I mean, wowsers!"

Real-life communicators with actual jobs, remind me: How do you do it (every fuckin' day)?

Comments

[Kristen]

Aha! This explains a lot!

This "real-life communicator with an actual job" does it by:

1) Having a small tight group of other "real-life communicators with actual jobs" who honest-to-goodness understand the shit I deal with, the morons I have to pretend to respect, and who can make me laugh at the idiocy of what we all put up with everyday;

2) I read blogs (like yours, Crescenzo's and Ron Shewchuk's) where I can participate in intelligent, interesting, stimulating conversations about what I do (which I still love in spite of the crappy parts) that don't involve the morons, egomaniacs or stupid people.

3) Oh yeah, and lots and LOTS of red wine and chocolate!!!

[David Murray]

Oh, I guess you think it explains why I took on all of Canada yesterday?

Well, Canada was on my shit list too.

(Guess where that guy was calling from who just wanted to chat on the phone and "catch up." Vancouver.)

[Kristen]

There's a song on this theme just for you - it was called "Blame Canada" It was on

South Park:

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/428397/south_park_blame_canada/

But Robin Williams also did a damn funny version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOzG7bBylRo

We Canadians have pretty good senses of humour.

[Rueben]

We do the same thing you did, David: scream at voicemail and dumb emails, hate the world, and blame America (okay, that's a bit of a variation). I also have a totally unprofessional tendency to storm next door to my colleague's office and rant about whatever is pissing me off. And for those very special times, I keep a couple non-lethal projectiles in the office that won't break anything when I throw them. Oh, and Kristen's red wine and chocolate thing works well too. In fact, I'm applying that technique as a type...

[David Murray]

It was Shewchuk who gave me the joke, more than a dozen years ago.

Q. How do you get 100 drunk Canadians out of a swimming pool?

A. Say, "Guys, could you get out of the pool?"

[Rueben]

Unless the pool is filled with beer, in which case nothing will remove them until the pool is empty. Would have to be real beer, mind you, and not Bud or Coors or some crap like that.

[Amy of the WOLM]

What Kristen said. Times 10. And she should know -- she's usually the kind ear that has to hear my daily rants (which are all TOTALLY factual and COMPLETELY NOT MY FAULT).

[Ron Shewchuk]

....trying to remember if it was me who left that voice mail message....

[David Murray]

Nope, not you Ron. You're a close enough mate that we read each other's blogs and we STILL need to catch up.