I have some wonderings about your learnings

At my anger management class this week, I'm going to bring up two words and an expression that are causing me to want to step on bugs that aren't even in my path.

• “Learnings.” This is part of the PowerPoint culture. We can’t simply learn something. That would be too too homely, and a failure; after all, we read at least a hundred bullet points, did we not? But neither can we politely declare, “I learned three things today.” That sounds so brash! And so we say, meekly, “I took away three learnings ...”

• “Wonderings.” I'm peripherally involved with an institution where employees don't criticize one another's ideas; rather, they express their “wonderings." And believe me: Their wonderings are never, “Gadzooks, however did you conjure such an equitable and elegant solution?”

• “Just a thought.” When this phrase appears at the beginning of an e-mail, watch out: Some seriously passive-aggressive stuff on the way. When it appears at the end of an e-mail, it means something else. It means, “Somewhere in the course of writing this e-mail, it has dawned on me that my idea is utter baloney. But I’ve spent so much time writing the e-mail, that I’d rather you shit-can my idea, because it’ll be so much less painful for you than for me. 'kay? Bye!"

Let's make this group therapy. What do you have?

Comments

[Tyler Hayes]

"It is what it is." And what is that?

"Shift paradigms." Nobody actually knows what this means. (Except Scott Adams.)

"FYI." Is everything else not FYI then?

My personal favorite: masking your own lackluster effort with powerful-sounding synonyms. Especially popular in marketing and branding. Usual suspects include "unique," "engage," "ideate," "signature," "core," "streamline," "synergize," "translate," and, well, you know the rest.

All of which are volleyed back with a melancholy sigh, as you like it.

PS - How do people feel about "Please advise"? I tremble when reading or hearing it. Is this generational? Does elimination of trembling require working for The Man?

Please advise.

[David Murray]

"Please advise" is meant to scare you. So are the letters, ASAP. To avoid scaring people, I use the effeminate term, "soonest," as in, "please let me know about the contract soonest."

Better to be thought a linguistic fop than a bully, I reckon.

[Robert J Holland, ABC]

"I'd like your thoughts" means "I'd like to know just how off the course your thinking is so that I can scare you straight and make sure you're going to fall in line."

"Key" is a meaningless word that is supposed to indicate importance of something, but it really doesn't work. "Our key goals are..." Does that mean all the other goals are not key and, therefore, don't really matter? "The key strategies are..." What strategy is not "key"??

[David Murray]

Robert: key insights.

[Joan H.]

Before my current job, I was seriously tired of "metrics."

[Julia Wolfe]

Sunset as a passed tense verb, as in "That program has been sunset."

[Julia Wolfe]

Oh my lord. String me up. Past tense. Sheesh. Apologies.