People know more than we think; in fact, they know everything

I have a theory about communication that says, “Everybody already knows everything.”

The theory is called, “The Everybody-Already-Knows-Everything Theory of Communication.”

Born out of observations of interpersonal communication, the theory is only slightly less applicable to employee communication. It goes like this:

Based on the hundreds and thousands of unwitting hints and omissions, odd looks and facial reactions, words and silences, patterns of presence and absence over time, people come to know everything they need to know about their family, their friends, and yes, even their company.

That's right, everything.

To illustrate my theory, I share the instance that brought me to it.

Some years ago, a very close family member—someone I have known since I was small—broke up with a guy she’d been dating for years. I’d always been friendly to the guy—he was boring and self-pitying, but he treated her well and loved her—but I told her I was supportive of the breakup, because I thought she could do much better. “Why didn’t you tell me that six months ago?” she said. “I would have broken up with him then.”

And I thought: You’ve known me all my life. By now you know what it looks like, what it sounds like, what it feels like when I am talking to someone who I admire, and also what it looks, sounds and feels like when I’m being polite to someone who bores me, who makes me uncomfortable, who makes me nervous, who makes me sad. I don’t need to tell you what I think of your boyfriend; you already know. The only question is whether you’re going to acknowledge it, and when.

So clear was that to me that I began to apply it to other situations where people have frequent contact with one another over a period of months or years, and my Everybody-Already-Knows-Everything Theory of Communication began to form.

Because of a thousand signals, a friend knows when he’s second-fiddle, a colleague knows a real compliment from a political kudos, a direct report knows you know when he's slacking, a boss knows if you think she's dumb, and eventually, the whole of the employee population knows whether management is in touch or out of touch, sympathetic or downright creepy.

This is why communication is usually not earth-shattering to people who, after all, had more than an inkling in the first place.

It is why sincere, thoughtful communication—no matter how provocative—is usually a comfort and often a relief from the constant tension of knowledge without permission to acknowledge.

If you accept this theory—(it goes down easier as the People-Know-More-Than-We-Think Theory of Communication)—the implication is not that communication is unnecessary, or that it is a formality.

It means our essential responsibility as personal and organizational communicators is not to spoon out information slowly to babies with weak digestion systems. Rather, it’s to try desperately to keep up, verbally, with the massive flow of unvarnished truth that our behavior is sending, and that our family, friends and colleagues are receiving every day.

Comments

[Glynn]

I think this is more than a theory. I'd call this a great insight.

[Yossi Mandel]

And you have just written the internal communicators manifesto. Can we publish it as such?

[Kristen]

"It is why sincere, thoughtful communication—no matter how provocative—is usually a comfort and often a relief from the constant tension of knowledge without permission to acknowledge."

Wow - that is too, too true, and seriously profound!

Amen!!!

[Robert J Holland, ABC]

Yeah, good luck with that. Until there is a fundamental shift in accepted management behavior in our society, we will continue to spoonfeed babies months-old pabulum. You are preaching to the choir, my friend.

[Kristen]

Never you mind, Robert!!! It keeps me off the ledge to just hear SOMEBODY say this stuff - even if it isn't "management" - so I know that, at the very least I'm not crazy to believe this myself, okay, Robert?!

So just back off the Murr, you hear???

[Robert J Holland, ABC]

It's not the I don't agree with everything David is saying. We've all been saying basically the same thing (or variations of it) for a generation. I would like to see us influence the thinking of those who can really do something about it. How could we do that? Oh, I don't know, maybe form a professional association that would lead the way and advocate for our profes... uh... never mind.

[David Murray]

Naw, Robert, no professional association--of accountants, of advertising people, of collision repair specialists--ever elevated the importance of their profession in the eyes of others.

I also don't agree that communicators have been united in pushing any theory such as the one I'm advancing here.

The only thing communicators have been united in is wishing communicators were listened to, as a group.

But the thing is, some communicators actually ARE listened to by management--by management at one organization after another.

I have never been one of them, so I'm not always sure how they do it. But one thing some of them have going for them--I'm thinking of the Seitels and the D'Aprix's and the Onodas here--is having a consistent theory, clearly expressed and easily understood by non-communication professionals.

I try to help out in that department. It's humble work, I know ...

[Ron Shewchuk]

I love this David.

You said you were done, passed the torch to the next guy, and then, out of the blue, you go deeper than ever before.

Your great insight explains why so many executives don't want to pay any attention to internal communication. Instinctively, they know that many distrust or hate or resent them, and they are afraid of bringing that fact out in the open. Truly caring about communication would bare their souls to the harsh wind of reality. It's a force too powerful and abrasive to bear.

[Robert J Holland, ABC]

Then let me clarify: This is a descriptive aspiration of our profession that has been promoted -- if not articulated as well -- in every conference I've ever attended in my 25 years as a communicator.

And I strenuously disagree that a professional association cannot make a difference in how that profession is viewed. "Has not," perhaps, but not "cannot." We've been going at it all wrong -- instead of just preaching the gospel to the converted (communicators), we should also be attacking the problem at the root. That means influencing how business communication theory is taught at the university level -- not just in communication programs, but in business management programs.

[David Murray]

"That means influencing how business communication theory is taught at the university level -- not just in communication programs, but in business management programs."

This is another notion that's been bandied about for a quarter century or more. Who are these practitioners or association executives who have the required copious time and energy to worm their way into the hearts and minds of vast numbers of b-school academics and convince them that communication is important?

Don't accuse me of being ineffectual when your own proposals are flaccid.

Here's what I really think: I think communicators will ALWAYS have to prove themselves, one by one, barring a sea change in the political and economic and social context that companies work in.

Right now, treating employees as intelligent equals simply isn't in the best interests of business leaders. It's like that, and that's the way it is.

It's nothing b-school professors can fix, but it's something that communicators and other intelligent employee-relations people can understand, and try, with all their wits and might, to work around.

[Yossi Mandel]

There's so many practical takeaways from this, it's amazing, David.

- Our job includes hearing all the rumors in the company, and then either verifying them or denying them. This is the greatest service we can provide to employees.

- We are diplomats. Our job includes shuttling back and forth between employees and management layers, being as honest as possible with both and translating what each side says for the other side.

- If a diplomat is caught lying or shading the truth too much, they will never be trusted by either party again. But honest mistakes can be corrected.

- Our efforts gone wrong can cause a war.

[David Murray]

Yes, and I'd add that employee communicators should not work in an organization where basic goodwill isn't assumed, because in such organizations, too much shading is often required, and honest mistakes can cause wars.

[Ron Shewchuk]

And in such organizations, the truth-tellers can get their souls destroyed.

[Alex Yates]

Wow... send this to the New Yorker! You write with such surgical precision. Love it!

[Rich Nouza]

Is this somewhat akin to the "figured 'em out" theory of our youth?

[David Murray]

You mean our theory about the way they "figured out" baseball pitchers, right? In that case, yes: It is somewhat related.

[Antivirus_man]

You write well will be waiting for your new publications.

[school_dubl]

Happy New Year! Happiness and success in 2011.